Papí

You ask to meet up and my heart was racing. My brain was malfunctioning. First impressions means a lot. It sets the tone for everything. A story we will tell our friends, family, co workers, I mean, whoever asks. You don’t normally get a chance at a do over. So I wanted it to be amazing just as our conversations leading up to that day.

Me watching as you came walking out of the darkness and into the light, was a lot. Tall, handsome, and your walk was so manly. Two things I pay attention to, a mans hands, and the way they walk. Grade A I tell you.

Do I wave like a goof? Do I step out of the car? I was choked up to my neck in thoughts. I haven’t been this nervous since I was 19.

‘You look better than your picture.’, he said. What a relief.

One night it took and I knew you were special. I was so self conscious and I kept fidgeting, and fixing my posture. Wondered if my hair was laying right. Did I smell good enough? I wanted you to see me. Few drinks loosened us up a little. By the end of the night, I cared about if you’re going to make it home safe and sound. But you were focused on me. Drove my car home, sat outside on the stairs and talked. Just talked. It felt great! Something so simple and innocent. Walked me all the way to my door. If I’m not mistaken, I kissed you first. Correct me if I’m wrong sir. lol I hoped the night was just as special for you as it was for me.

The way I saw life in my 20’s was innocent and pure. Hoping to live the romance novels that I read every week. Each book never leaving my grip. I would finish one book and craved for the next. Thinking life was just as simple as the words written across each page. Every argument would end so romantic. A simple promise and a kiss and she’s satisfied. Clinging to his every word because she’s so in love.

When I met you, I was this fragile piece of work literally being dragged through the mud. You gave me hope. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of someone so nice, understanding, a gentleman, mannerism isn’t lacking. Conversation kept flowing comfortably because neither one of us wanted to end it. Being in each others presence was oh so bitter sweet because at some point, it had to come to an end. Until the next day anyway. Argument and disagreements aren’t fun but there are lessons to be learned from it. Hard lessons but enough to grow from them.

Somos Nosotros Papí.

Te Amo!

Different Visions of Life

I’m sitting here pondering how I’m going to go about talking about a man I’ve grew intriguingly curious about. Asking someone what their intentions are should be easy right? But for me it’s not. I find myself caught in empathy and concern over this special individuals’ health. He received some devastating news and now I’m afraid of adding to it with my inquiring questions. He’s not on this death bed or anything like that, but the way he’s moping around, he might as well be. I see so much potential and room for (us) to grow. I always seem to do this. I find someone I like and I begin to place them in my life without knowing if they really want to be there. Already planning dates and things we can do as a couple. Bruh, I need to stop this shit. It’s not healthy and not knowing how a person truly feels about you can be disheartening when you’re already daydreaming of what could be. Especially when you two have been spending so much time together lately.

FYI, I’ve known him for a year. 

I seem to sense his shyness the closer we get. The indirect eye contact is blush worthy up to a point. I’m so use to the Alpha male leading and unquestionably in charge. The lack of affection is growing so cold that I’m ready to give up. It’s literally an ice box around us. Conversation is plenty. The laughs are loud. The interests are there. What am I missing?

Dating after 30 and you’re a mother of two is rough say the the least.